Respect and offending vs living out faith

I'm just going to forewarn you if you choose to read this... this has been brewing on my heart for quite some time. It may ruffle some feathers. In fact, I kind of hope it does and I'm not going to apologize for it. Get that? Not. Going. To. Apologize... that's kind of the essence of what this is about!

I'm tired of living in a country/world that is so focused on not offending and disrespecting others. God sent Jesus to love and accept - I get that. But didn't He also leave His word for us to live by? I'm so tired of so many issues out there... be it gay rights, women's/abortion issues, God in schools, etc. Even that story from out east where there was a father/daughter dance and it was CANCELLED because someone complained. Someone complains about something and issues/policies change so as to not offend and disrespect. What's next? I alluded to the thought yesterday about voting in churches. When is that going to change? In God We Trust on money. So many things that have or will be changed because someone just might be offended.

I don't mean this to come across disrespectful but we as Christians have some responsibility in this. Are we going to turn luke-warm and stop standing up for what His word says? About what marriage is? About what sanctity of human life is? You can love and accept those who live in ways you don't agree. Jesus did that, and we need to follow that example! But that doesn't mean you turn your back on what the Bible says about those issues. Aren't we called to be set apart in this world? For our lives to look different? Aren't we called to carry a cross and be His hands and feet?

Are we as Christians overly concerned with offending and disrespecting others that we turn a blind eye and instead offend God and what His word says? Are we going to continue to let one little compromise follow another and diminish His word and His presence in this world? Are we going to continue to let the moral decline of this country continue down the path it has been going? Or are we going to do something about it?

If you aren't Christian, fine. But if you are... what are you living for? To earn favor of those in this world, or favor in His eyes? Whose cross are you carrying?

** Romans 12:2  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Wish I Had Intervened....

This morning I took Ethan and Shane to the zoo. I was kind-of disturbed by something and now regret I didn't do more about it.

Ethan LOVES the stationary train there. He could play on it, probably for hours if we let him. He gets frustrated when other kids want turns, too. I feel like I sometimes am beating my head against the wall and feel like a broken record, always saying to him, "We have to share. We have to take turns." etc etc.

Well, while he was being rather patient waiting for his turn there was a boy and girl playing in Ethan's favorite part - the train engine. The girl, granted, was taking longer than her fair share of time in there. The boy, presumably her brother, was agitating her from in front of the the inside compartment - he was leaning in from the front window. That wasn't too bad, but it escalated. The boy continued to pick this battle, moving inside the train engine and hitting and biting at the girl. I looked around, wondering, where the heck is/are the parent(s)?

I looked around and found a lady, presumably their grandmother, off on the furthest away bench, talking on her cell phone. Once things escalated further to the children yelling and crying, she yelled over a few times to quit fighting. Rather than getting her butt off the bench and off the phone, and trying to actually do something about it. Ugh!

I know... it's not my place to judge, but come on. Kids at 3, 4, 5... whatever they were... don't always know how or make the best decision on how to interact with each other. They need adults/caregivers in their lives to guide them. I will be the first to admit, sometimes I want to zone out. But this was completely out of line and irresponsible.

I regret not doing anything (except for explaining when several children were involved that we need to take turns). The boy was smacking at other kids and I was not about to put up with that if he took a swing at my Ethan. I would have gone over there and had a talk with the kids' caregiver. But instead, I did nothing... and now I just pray that these kids have parents who are more into their children's lives than this grandmother was... today anyway. And that when I have an opportunity in the future to do the right thing, I would be quicker on my feet and go against my non-confrontational personality. Cuz it's sad to think there are kids in this world who need strangers to fight on their behalf.

Some Kindergarten Ramblings From Day #2

I want to try to do a better job of blogging, for my sake as much as anything. If others enjoy reading, then that's a bonus, but not priority. I'm doing this for me, and our kids, to try to remember moments in writing better. I do a good job, I think, of capturing moments on camera. Want to do a better job of writing. So here goes....

Just wanted to jot down some highlights of Bryce's first day of Kindergarten.

One of my proudest moments is him telling how he saw another child he knows alone on the playground. He said he stayed with him until this friend saw some of his new friends. Bryce could have just run off, but instead, he wanted to make sure his buddy was not alone.

These are the things that will matter in the long run. Grades are important, yes. But I'm sure many would agree that it's far more important to care for others. Be kind. Loving. Compassionate.

Ok... unrelated.... there are things I'm sad about with Bryce gone that I want to remember... I'm getting kinda Toy Story-ish here, but seeing his beloved bear my grandparents got him when he was born.. and some of his other favorites, laying on the floor where he left them, and outdoor toys he enjoys... makes me kinda sad. Like these toys are just waiting on him to come home and play.

Among the sad things also include missing the laughter of Bryce and Ethan in the van. Their nonstop conversation and laughing, and yes, occasional arguing and fighting. After taking Bryce to his second day of school today, Ethan cried once again the whole way home. It is a little hard to take how lost he seems without Bryce around. So much of Ethan's identity has been in his older, big and loud personality brother. It is GOLDEN to see Ethan find HIS voice again. Today we went to Toys-R-Us after Bryce went to school. There was a coupon for $5 off (any amount) good through today so seemed like a good opportunity to give Ethan something special to look forward to. The whole way there and back, he was constantly pointing things out, always saying, "Mommy, look...."  Cracked me up when on Coliseum he said, "Mommy, it's the United States of America flag." His speech is so proper - beyond his years-proper! It's surprising how much I failed to realize how much he was just wanting to be like Bryce. And how much less I could HEAR him when they're together. So even though it is sad for both me and Ethan that Bryce is around much less, this is becoming quite clear how important this transition is going to be for Ethan's development. I look forward to really focusing on him, especially once preschool starts.

We still need to share this news with some family members, but we are putting Shane in the 1s at our church preschool. We believe our reasoning for this is sound. Ethan has some struggles, along with being lost in the mix as the typical middle child. I first wanted his and Shane's preschool days to line up so I could reclaim some me-time and use the time to stay caught up with my business. Especially October-December, I quickly fall behind since it's the busiest time of year for me. However, the preschool days/times didn't jive up, so we found ourselves facing the decision of whether or not to still put Shane in. We decided to for some of the reasons stated above. Also, because it will be easier for me to get involved in Bryce's school year. Because of some challenges we have faced with Ethan's social development, I have refrained from doing certain things with the combo of Ethan and Shane. I look forward to being able to do things again, more easily anyway. And giving Ethan some 1:1 focus so we can further discover his identity and personality. :)

I haven't had a lot of 1:1 time with Ethan. So even though this new stage in Bryce's development is very bittersweet, there is definitely a sweetness being found in my 3-year-old. Shane, too, of course... but Ethan has so much to say and I just can't wait to hear what he'll tell me next!

Thankful Thursday, 9/22

A while back I made an attempt to keep up two weekly blog posts. The busy-ness of life has gotten the best of me. I feel like a slacker, ha! Or perhaps it feels like we have been cruising along ordinary days and nothing has jumped out at me that you would find interesting. I feel compelled to write this morning, though. Thanks to some familiar faces yesterday.

Some friendships in life are tried and true, no matter what life brings. They stand the test of time. And of distance. The roots go deep. Yesterday we had the privilege of meeting two of our earliest friends as a married couple - a couple we were in small group with. We 'did life' with these people and have so many fond memories from when our paths crossed in time and location. When I close my eyes, I can still see us over at their house with the field across the road. I can see their kitchen and dining room. Even the lamp in their living room (not on purpose but we had the same set of lamps - we STILL have ours in our living room). I can smell food. I can hear the laughter. With my eyes shut, the memories are so vivid.

To back up a few paces, in case you didn't know this about us, after college Tim landed a job as an engineer at Cummins in Columbus, IN. He went there a semester before I did but once I finished college I joined him and we were married soon after. I can best describe our time in Columbus as fun, faith-filled, care-free, friendship-filled and lonely. Yes, all at the same time. It was such a time of transition for us. Learning how to be a married couple. Learning who 'we' were. In a town with no family, our friends became our day-to-day family, if that makes sense.

So a few months back when we learned two of our back-then family members would be in Fort Wayne for a few days we were excited. They had moved back to their home state of Texas a mere month or so after Bryce was born. They had a little boy they named Bryson (they call him 'Mav') a couple months before we had Bryce. They have since added two more to their family, as have we. But when they walked in the door at Cracker Barrel, we were all all-smiles. Even though so much had changed in our lives and theirs since we saw them last (4+ years ago), we were still all kinda the same, too. Still able to talk and laugh at just about anything. Sometimes it is challenging to carry on a conversation at a meal with kids in tow. We've experienced that plenty of times. So I wasn't sure what to expect with their five kids and our three. But the kids sat on each side of us parents so I sat next to Tami and Tim sat next to Trey. The kids were all mostly perfect. Thank you, Lord, for giving us well-behaved kiddos on this special day to catch up with our old friends.

Fort Wayne is home now and has been for some time. Maybe not the entire four years we have lived here. We moved up four years ago, late September and Tim started his job as an engineer at Parker Oct. 1, 2007. We have now been here longer than we had been in Columbus, but not by much. Fort Wayne is certainly home now (we feel pretty settled here now) but there will always be the Columbus connection ingrained in us. Our friendships we made there during our formative marriage years are tried and true and it's amazing when we have gone back to visit or we talk with friends from that time and place in our lives.... how quickly we pick up right where we left off. I was having a conversation yesterday with another tried-and-true, deeply-rooted friend in my life about how she and her husband and Tim and I had both lived in towns with no family before kids and how crazy-special those towns and friendships still are. We concluded that those years are our "good 'ole days." Nothing we would change now, nor would we go back to those times and places except to visit. But it's something that is forever a part of us and who we will always be. In fact, as I've mentioned, how our church family was our family. And the church pastor who married us... we named Shane's middle name after. We will forever be grateful for our Pastor Danny and all he taught us. Can't wait to visit Columbus again soon. We've wanted to for some time now again but I think yesterday definitely put the itch in us again.

Anyway, it was fun taking a step back in time for a couple hours yesterday. Suddenly it felt like the last four years had zipped by. And the Michael W. Smith song lyrics mean more: "Friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the Lord of them." We have our growing families but our friends are still our friends and will always be. Along with their fun southern accents!

Thankful Thursday, 8/11

I have a lot to be thankful for this week. But being on my own, this may be short and sweet.

These newborn days have gone so smooth and I have it pretty together most days. I have Shane to thank for that. He is continuing to do long stretches of sleep at night and then going back to sleep til mid-morning. I have enough time to eat breakfast, shower, feed Bryce and Ethan and even a few odds and ends. Even photo editing. I can't believe how perfect he is. He really is. God has blessed us with the ideal newborn. He cries when gassy and during baths. But he is so patient and calm otherwise. I love his sweet personality already. After two high-strung, intense newborns and now toddler/preschooler, his quiet and calm demeanor is a breath of fresh air. I love Bryce and Ethan and their unique ways very much. But God knew I needed a laid back child for #3. And knew this Momma needs her sleep to feel sane, too. Thank you, Lord!

I love this candid of him. Taken Tuesday morning, 8/9, when I was on my own for the first longer stretch and thought Tim was going to be gone overnight. I was very thankful when the trip went well and he returned late that night. But even so, Shane's peaceful demeanor made the long day go smoother for me than had he been your 'typical' newborn.

Thankful Thursday, 8/4

This week has been simply amazing! I have soooo much to be thankful for and hope I don't leave anything out. I want to remember this week for the rest of my life. I know we have to get back to the ole routine but I wish the week didn't have to end. :-) It's been such an incredible week for our family. We welcomed our son last Friday at 12:54 pm and took him home with us Sunday afternoon. He weighed in at a plump 9 lbs 11 oz and 20.5 inches. We are so thankful for his healthy arrival. Early pregnancy things were looking iffy with the cyst on his neck. But thankfully that cleared by his 18-week ultrasound. Then at birth he wasn't breathing when they laid him on me. He turned blue and remained inactive for a solid minute. The nurses (including a NICU nurse) reacted quickly and put a tube down his mouth and nose. After lots of gurgly, choking sounds he eventually started breathing and then was at peace in my arms.

Then there was our neighbor-friends who took such good care of Bryce and Ethan for the first 24 hours. We dropped them off Friday morning and the kids had a great time while there. From playing outside to letter-shaped pancakes Saturday morning... we are truly blessed to have Dan, Kelly and Oliver Krieg in our lives.

And then the boys were taken care of by my family. My parents and grandma had a great time with them Saturday morning until we got home. And Tim's family will be on their way to see us tomorrow. We are so blessed by our families!

Shane has been an awesome newborn! The first night he was up off and on but ever since he has consistently slept 6-6.5 hour stretches. He has spoiled his Mommy and Daddy. I hope we don't backslide. Ethan did well the first week (but often slept with us in our bed) and then backslid around week 2. But Shane is larger in size and has been such a calm, patient newborn. It's crazy to think he's already on a predictable schedule. All week he has ate and been in his crib by midnight. Slept til 6-6:30 am. Then goes back to sleep in his crib. Wakes up again around 9-9:30 to eat. Eats around lunchtime. Eats mid-afternoon. Eats before we have dinner. Mid-evening feeding around 8. And then eats again before bedtime. I feel like I gave birth to a 1-2 month old. To already be on such a set schedule. He's such a blessing!

Then add family time. It's been soooo nice having Tim home. This transition has been the best yet. And I hope I don't feel different when we're back to reality and I'm on my own. But honestly I think that part will go well, too. Not that I won't be looking forward to Tim walking in the door, but I feel like my confidence is higher right now. And the boys have done so well, too. They love their little brother.

Bryce has been at VBS all week, too. Our neighbor-friend has been taking her son and Bryce to it. These two boys are such good friends and have really enjoyed Bible School. And the timing has been a blessing to us. Not that things have been real overwhelming but we are trying to maintain the house. Bryce would be getting bored if he were here. So this has been a wonderful, positive outlet for him during the mornings this week.

And lastly, we've had three straight nights of meals from friends. And a couple more weeks of meals provided. That is such an awesome help to not have to worry about cooking during this time of transition.

I just feel so happy and joyful. My cup is full! No... it's overflowing!

What's In A Name?

Now that Shane is here, I thought I would explain the significance of each of our boys' names. Their first names are not after anyone - just names we like. However, the middle names are each meaningful to us.

We settled on Bryce for a boy name before even finding out he was going to be a boy back in 2007. And the middle name was a very easy choice for us. Tim's middle name is Douglas, which is also his dad's first name. Thus, Bryce Douglas.

Then when we were due with Ethan in 2009, we thought a great middle name for him would be his other grandpa's first name - my dad's name. Thus, Ethan James.

Obviously this pregnancy we did not know we were having a boy until he was born. But we knew the middle name would have to be significant no matter what we had. So there's a little story here to Shane's middle name. Tim and I were married in 2004 in Columbus, IN. We lived for several years in a town where our church friends were our family - at least our family away from family. We grew quite fond of our church and pastor, Danny. Thus, Shane Daniel. We thought this was an appropriate middle name of meaning for Shane, our third son. Since getting married is how "we" began.

Thankful Thursday, 7/21

Today, at 39 weeks, I'm extremely thankful for air conditioning! Today's high is supposed to be around 100-101 and I know there are people who have died from this heat. Such a sad situation to be deprived of something so simple. This has seemed like the most challenging pregnancy for me physically, especially here towards the end, and a lot is due to the heat. But I'm trying to keep perspective and maintain a gracious attitude of how much worse things could be. And obviously, I'm very thankful that we will be meeting our bundle of joy soon. By next Thursday, I just might be writing about how thankful I am for our newest addition! :-)

Wednesday Wonders, 7/20

I'm still constantly amazed by Ethan's growing vocabulary and development. The other day Tim had on a shirt that read St. Thomas. Ethan was reading the letters off his shirt. For a long time he was clingy and antisocial. My husband had to take the boys on his own to T-ball last night since I had class. Though I'm sure it was frustrating for Tim, Ethan kept inching out towards the kids playing. He hasn't listened when we've told him to stay closer. When Tim told me about this, I brought up a positive point. He's wanting to be where kids are. And that's a big deal since for so long now he has steered far clear of other kids. Maybe he'll adjust to preschool fine in September afterall. :-)

Thankful Thursday

Another regular blog I'm going to post is Thankful Thursday.

Today I am thankful I have had two nights in a row of decent sleep. Still very broken up. This is a very relative term. For most folks, these would be rough nights. But for me and the extremely little sleep I've been experiencing for 4-5 months, getting 2+ consecutive hours of sleep in a single night is a huge bonus. Usually I'm lucky to get one night like that a week and God has blessed me with two nights in a row! Add to that these past two nights, Bryce has slept til 8 as well! He's been up around 6:30 very consistently. He's good about coming downstairs, playing on his own and watching TV. But I would often be woken up by him playing a little too loud. I could get used to this routine. Yay sleep!!

Also thankful for outdoor toys, a deck with some shade and deck furniture. So I can use this extra boost of energy to get the kids outside for playtime and I can take it easy on the deck. This is another big plus because every step hurts. My hips seriously feel like they're bruised to the touch. So I can relax and feel good about the kids getting some outdoor time. :-)

Wednesday Wonders

I'm going to start a new regular blog posting on Wednesdays called Wednesday Wonders. Just going to be a few tidbits of things my kids do or say the previous week that are amazing. To me anyway. :-)

Last night Tim had the TV remote upside down. Ethan was able to recognize all the numbers upside down. He did mix up the 6 and 9, but the rest were right. He can count to about 13 but didn't know he could visually recognize the numbers. Yesterday (EXACTLY) he was 2 years, 4 mos old. He also has the LeapFrog Leaptop that he plays with every day. He could recognize the letters when asked randomly on the laptop. Yay for learning milestones. :-)

Bryce reached another milestone in the past week. Sleeping through the night in underwear and staying dry. Nice to officially have him out of all diapers/pull-ups. Just in time for another one to join in diapers in the next couple weeks. And at lunch today, he said vegetables are his favorite part of a meal!

Full-Term (practically) Thoughts - I like to round up!

This morning I had an appointment with a nurse practitioner. It went great. My group B strep came back negative. And they decided to check if I'm showing any imminent signs of labor. Unfortunately, no. Physically I've been going through so much for so long with this pregnancy. So part of me is definitely ready to be done. But day at a time, we'll get there. Oh, and my blood pressure was great. Thankful for that, for sure.

The nurse checked my vitals and was really nice. She asked if we knew what we're having so explained that we don't. After she learned about Bryce and Ethan, she casually said, "Well, maybe it'll be pink this time."

Then I waited a while and the nurse practitioner came in. She, too, was very nice. We talked about sciatic nerve pain. There's not much they can do for me with that. I just have to wait it out. But I'm feeling upbeat (today at least - actually got more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep for once!). I'm also quickly approaching the 37-week FULL TERM mark this week. I'm convinced it will get better once this Baby is off whatever nerves are being pinched.

She, too, asked if we knew what we're having so explained the same story. Not sure we wanted to know and then Baby didn't cooperate. After learning about the boys, she said, "Aww, you need a girl." Followed with, "Maybe she was being bashful on the ultrasound."

I've had what I'd call different signs this pregnancy that seem to point to this baby being a girl. That seem to prepare me emotionally for what I've thought I've wanted since childhood. Whether they are signs from God or not is the question, though. If they are from God, then I'm convinced we will be having a daughter. If they are from the master deceiver, though, then this will be a lesson learned. We obviously are in love with our baby already. And feel incredibly blessed. Especially after the early scares with the cyst on the neck. I've learned and heard different scenarios that would have been a very scary road and God chose a different path for us. I keep thinking about that as we near the end of this pregnancy. He has given us such a precious gift in this baby already. A healthy baby. I took so much for granted with Bryce and Ethan's pregnancies. Experiencing the unknown of the first half of this pregnancy was certainly a wake-up call to that. And His freely-given grace that He has gifted us with.

I'm still soooo curious to know what we're having, of course, though. And can't wait to meet him or her. I still think about the nurse practitioner's words this morning, though, as she listened to Baby's heartbeat. "Well, if Baby cooperates, it should be a girl." Not sure if she was referring to the well-known heartrate theory or not. But I didn't ask. I didn't ask what the heartrate was this morning, even though I have at previous appointments (usually hovering around 145 bpm). This is higher than the boys' at this point in pregnancy if I remember right. But I've given up and let go of reading into wives' tales. Not that I'm still not curious about them, but just that I don't trust them. :-) God made it VERY clear He was setting aside the surprise for us at birth. Sure, Dr. Wheeler said we could come back to find out if we just had to know. Sure, I could try other gender-prediction methods like the pharmacy product that is supposed to tell you (intelligender) or the ever-popular Drain-O test. But I won't believe any theory/wives' tale until he or she is born and we experience the moment God has set aside for us to experience. I'm really excited to 'unwrap' God's surprise gift to us in the coming weeks. Stay tuned, friends. I'm excited to share our happy news whenever God and Baby decides it is time. It's up to them, not me. I'm just the vessel. The proud, uncomfortable, emotional, blessed vessel. :-)

All my pain will fade to memory....

"Once you feel the weight of glory

all your pain will fade to memory."

I've been singing those lyrics in my head the past couple nights as I've been fighting tears of pain.

(Open
this link in another window and listen to this song while reading the rest:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfWAG-bnttQ)

And throughout much of this pregnancy it's a song that often came to mind, too. I've kinda coined it as my pregnancy theme song. It's easy to think this pregnancy has been harder physically since it's what's here and now. But I've had pain I simply don't remember having in Bryce and Ethan's pregnancies. More of a constant pain from lower back to knees, which intensifies at night after a long day. Makes it hard to get to sleep. Especially the past week I've been overwhelmed with how constant and intense this pain is at night. It's worse the busier I am during the day so I try to take it easy. But with two kids, that can be a challenge. :-)

Anyway, back to the song.... I keep singing those lyrics because it makes me think of our baby. "Once you feel the weight of glory".... meaning once this 7-8 lb being is in my arms... my pain will fade. It will no longer matter even though it's what plagues me 24/7 right now. It's temporary. And for that I am thankful.

And later in the song....

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the hurt before the healing

Oh, the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the dark before the morning

I find such truth and peace in these lyrics. So even though I'm really seeing what it means to take life a day at a time during this short season, I find that comfort knowing Baby will be here in God's timing and my pain will fade. My body will heal. And we will just be embarking on a new wonderfully amazing journey with our little miracle.

What Ethan are we going to get?

This blog post is just me airing some feelings/concerns I have.

My younger son, Ethan, (soon to be middle-child) is a very unique child. I know, I know. They all are. God created no two alike. Ethan is an intense child, though. Either intensely happy or intensely mad. Tim and I often joke that we never know what Ethan we're going to get in various circumstances. I've taken Ethan to many doctor appointments, which surprises me that my blood pressure has remained low during this pregnancy. LOL. Earlier this week, Bryce had his 4-year check-up at his pediatrician's office. Again, Tim and I joked - never know what Ethan I'm going to get. He was fantastic during the appointment. I haven't had an appointment like that where he's been along in a long time. It went so smooth. I was happily surprised.

Bryce and Ethan could not be more night and day. Even at this age. Bryce was very independent, outgoing and social at a very early age. Ethan is clingy and cuddly. And in some circumstances to such an extreme it's very overwhelming. A week or two ago the kids and I went with Tim to Cleveland for a couple days. While Tim was at work that morning, I took the kids to Gymboree Play & Music for an art class. I had high hopes but also held back some nervousness about it. I kept an open mind to it, though, figuring at least Bryce would enjoy it. And hoped Ethan would, too. The teacher set out play-doh for the kids at the start of the class. Ethan enjoyed just holding it in his hand. He likes walking around carrying various things in his hands. I have heard I was much like that as a child. And especially younger, we (particularly my parents) have noted that my niece, Alyssa, would do this, too. Anyway, when it was time to put away the play-doh, the wrath of my second son was unleashed. I felt so helpless - perhaps more so than I ever have with him. I won't go into a lot of detail about what it was like, but it was basically intense, inconsolable screaming the next 45-50 minutes and him throwing himself on the ground. To the point I worried he was going to knock a tooth out! And other parents were visibly concerned as they got up to make sure he didn't hurt himself.

All this to say.... we seriously don't know what Ethan we're going to get in the coming months - both with the addition of our third child and with preschool. (Ethan will go two mornings a week.) I know I need to let go of my concerns... "Let go, Let God." I need Him to ease this Momma's ache in her heart. The ache of what it's going to be like for him to go from the baby of our family to the middle child. I pray almost daily that he makes this transition smoothly. I still hold back some fears that I wish I could ignore. In the end, I know adding a younger sibling will be good for him. Even if the first days and weeks are full of adjustment. I had similar concerns, although not as justified, when Bryce was 21 months and we added Ethan to his life. And I can now see in hindsight how awesome it is for Bryce to have Ethan, and for Ethan to have Bryce. So I know and trust we will get to that point this time around, too.

Ethan has pleasantly surprised us with some transitions. Where Bryce has transitioned well with certain stages, Ethan has seriously given us a run for our money. When we decided nearly a year ago that we'd transition Bryce to a twin bed and Ethan from the crib to Bryce's toddler bed after Christmas, I did not know what to expect. He has blown us away and far surpassed our expectations. In fact, I think I'd say he transitioned better than Bryce. I only hope the same will be true whenever we decide to tackle potty training. I've heard younger siblings watching older siblings can help with adjustments. In hindsight, I see that was the case with the toddler bed transition. Ethan would even start to climb in the toddler bed with or before Bryce before we transitioned them. And I do think Bryce will be an AWESOME big brother to Baby #3. So here's to hoping (and praying) and letting God.... that Ethan will again see his big brother's example and follow suit once again.

Summer Balance

This summer, more so than any previous, is about trying to strike a balance. And in a lot of ways. When the summer began, it was a mixed bag of emotions. Checking off another chapter of Bryce's childhood as he 'graduated' from the 3-class and will be in pre-k in the fall. (If you recall, I blogged about how I'm sadly and happily seeing my kids grow up right before my eyes.) Excited that the start of summer would mean we're nearing our baby's birth-day. Overwhelmed at the thought of trying to get through our open-scheduled days in late pregnancy and all that entails. And believe me, some days it entails a lot. Or at least it feels like it does.

However, today felt like a pretty good balance. There are days where I'm so exhausted and we don't accomplish much. Mickey Mouse is a household favorite, especially by my 2-year-old. So some days, Mickey gets an awful lot of attention. Especially rainy days. Then there's my 4-year-old, who I swear would almost agree to living outside ALL summer long. He just can't seem to get enough outdoor play time. And that is sometimes overwhelming. I know I can't pile on the Mommy-guilt saying "no" to him, but I can't say "yes" every time either. So again, striking that balance.

I did say today was a good balance. Took care of some household responsibilities this morning, cuddled with Ethan while watching his favorite mouse on Disney, and then made lunch and we ate on the deck... followed by a solid 1.5-2 hours of outdoor playtime. One of Bryce's best buds even came over from two doors down and played for much of that. My heart felt full - a nice balance of accomplishing tasks, giving the kids some Vitamin-D-filled playtime, and not overdoing it myself.

I have felt a good amount of pressure (all self-inflicted) to give the kids a fun summer, knowing some things will be more challenging THIS summer with being late pregnancy and then with a newborn. But all I can do is my best to try to do that, right? To try to give them a fun summer. Or at least make my best effort on the days I do feel up for it. On days like today. :-)

Treating Others Well

This is my Grandma's story but feel compelled to share... and I too want to remember this story...

The Friday of Memorial Day weekend she had a hi-def TV guy at her home much of the day getting her all set up. She knew the young man was probably in his 20s and sounded like they had an interesting afternoon. He spoke a lot of his grandparents and treated her as such. He was very kind to her. And likewise, she was to him. He told her if she had technical problems, she was his customer. To give him a call. That there was nothing she could do that he wouldn't be able to fix.

That evening his cousin wanted him to go with him on their motorcycles to the Illinois line - just for something to do. If you recall, the weather was dreary that week and he had spent much of the day at my Grandma's outside in the chilly, damp weather. My Grandma encouraged him to tell his cousin maybe another time.

Early on the next week, Grandma realized with her new contract she didn't have copies of any of the paperwork from the visit. But did remember the guy's name - Aaron. So she told herself each day she needed to call to ask for copies of the paperwork. Friday finally rolled around - a week later and she made the phone call. She mentioned the young man's name. What she was told on the phone next was very shocking. Aaron died in a motorcycle accideint that night - that Friday night. The very night he told her about after being at her house much of the day.

When I heard this, a chill ran up my spine. She had tried to talk him out of going. Now I believe everything that happens on earth is part of God's divine plan. It's a very sad story and one that has impacted my Grandma. And I think everyone who hears about this, on some level. For whatever reason(s), it was this young man's time. But as I told my Grandma, she gave him a positive experience that afternoon. Doing what he does, he may not always be treated well. You obviously have that some in service jobs with the public. But she gave him a positive afternoon.

I just think more and more about this story.... makes me think about ordinary, daily interactions more. Life is so fleeting and you never know what someone is going through or is about to go through. What if this 27-year-old had been servicing a very grouchy and rude person? Or what if he had been to someone's house who is usually kind but having a rough day and gave him the cold shoulder? I'm thankful he spent that time at my Grandma's house. I'm thankful the paperwork wasn't left so she could follow-up and learn of this sad story. If it wasn't for her needing to contact them, she would have likely never known about Aaron's fate that night.

God is at work in everything. Aaron was at her house for a reason. At least his last day in this life was a positive one, in large part due to my Grandma treating him well. I don't know about you, but I will certainly think of this and try to remember this in my daily interactions. Because like I said, you just never know what someone is going through or about to go through.

Life Changing Four Years

4 years later......

Four years ago, life changed FOREVER! Tim left work at Cummins (in Columbus, IN) with co-workers teasing him and wishing us luck that night. Afterall it was a full moon night. Actually, to be technical, it was a Blue Moon, where there were two full moons in the same month. This only occurs about once every 1.5 years or so. Thus, why it's called a Blue Moon. Tim shrugged off the teasing. We were 38 weeks along with our first son and had always heard first babies a lot of times go longer - closer to the due date, if not beyond. We had some things packed up for the hospital but seriously did not consider the birth to be that near yet.

We watched TV until too late that evening. Unusual for us. And after midnight, I was still trying to get comfortable. I shifted weight - felt something minor. Shifted again. HUGE gush. Yeah, my water broke. No disputing it. I won't go into all the labor details, but it took quite some time. My water broke but my body was obviously not ready for labor on its own. Bryce Douglas Louvar was born 19 hours later - at 7:12 pm.

Boy oh boy, I did not know how much life would change and has changed since then. There have been sooooo many joys and blessings. And some serious heartache, too. In some ways, the memories of him being a baby seem so near. And other times like it's been much longer than four years ago. I can remember trying really hard to make nursing work. I've inherited a low supply and so figuring that out the first time around and learning how much to supplement and when took us quite a long time. Once we figured out that balance, things got a little easier. Until then, it was a blur of exhaustion. Bryce didn't sleep well until we figured that out.

I can remember how Bryce would smile and babble so much. He was very talkative as a baby. Yeah, that hasn't changed one bit! Looking back I'm absolutely astonished how clearly he could say his name at such a young age. I kid you not - he started walking and saying his name around the same time - Mother's Day weekend 2008. A couple weeks shy of turning 1! I don't think I realized at the time just how amazing it was that he could articulate so clearly saying his name like that.

Ok... need to back up in time now. Our hearts soon longed to be near family again so Tim had a few job interviews Labor Day weekend 2007. Bryce was only a few months old at the time. He was offered and soon accepted a job at his current place of employment, Parker, as an engineer there. He was to start Oct. 1. That turned life upside down for a few weeks as we prepared to say good-bye to what had been our home, Columbus, IN, since even before we exchanged vows. We were married there. We developed a non-blood family there. We have visited a few times since moving to Fort Wayne 3.5 years ago. Columbus will always hold a dear place in our hearts. Our pastor there visited us in the hospital when Bryce was born, prayed that he would come to know Christ at an early age and also dedicated him a week or so before we made the big move.

The timeline is awfully sketchy for me as we tried to get settled into the big city life and make new friends with an infant. We rented a house first since the time to move was so brief. We didn't want to rush buying obviously, but also didn't want to move into an apartment. So we found a nice three-bedroom house to rent while we settled into our new town.

Soon after our move here, my dear Grandpa was injured at work. It really messed up his knee and he had months of therapy. He was almost ready for a procedure to be done on his knee when it was determined that he needed a pacemaker put in before he could be cleared for the surgery. The morning (late Jan. 2008) he was to have the pacemaker put in he was getting around at home and he collapsed, never to wake up. We were devestated by the news. I still miss him so much, but I'm thankful for many things. He got to see all his grandkids get married - my youngest cousin on this side of the family got married that Labor Day weekend we were visiting family and Tim interviewed for jobs. He also lived to see us move closer to familiy - something I knew he knew we really desired. As much as he enjoyed visiting us in Columbus (and before that, Terre Haute where Tim and I went to college), I think it must have brought him great joy and peace to see that our prayers of being closer to family had come to fruition. I only wish we coulda had longer with him, obviously, while being closer. So much of those fleeting months we were here were spent getting settled in here and then him attending therapy and experiencing limitations due to the injury.

The beginning of 2008 was rather rough, as I've already explained. And it sadly continued. About a month exactly after my grandfather's death, Tim's mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Feb. 28 to be exact - Tim's birthday. She had been experiencing pain and had to go to the hospital and underwent surgery to remove a cyst (or cysts) on her ovaries. She had a complete hysterectomy and they believed they got it all. They recommended chemotherapy more as a precauation. She had this for months and experienced the many ailments that go along with that. We were all hopeful, though, of course. My memory on the timeline is a little fuzzy, but she finished treatment and requested a follow-up to check her levels - to make sure the cancer hadn't returned. The doctor didn't even think that was necessary but of course she insisted. It had come back. Inside her liver. She resumed chemotherapy treatment, this time at the Cancer Treatment Center of America, just north of Chicago.

Bryce brought her much joy and we believe really helped her through her illness and treatments. It's amazing the hope a child can provide. The moments he, and eventually, Ethan had with her are truly pricless memories. And of course if you know me, captured a lot in pictures. She was in declining health and we learned she had mere months to live around Mother's Day 2009. It breaks my heart to say this, but the last goal in her life was to attend a combined party for our boys who meant the world to her. It was to celebrate Bryce's 2nd birthday and a welcome party for Ethan to meet more family in Iowa. We made the most of those precious hours at that party. I can remember someone saying it while there - how it was a celebration of life. Even though the party wasn't directed at Cindy, it was a chance for everyone to see her again, knowing what was unfortunately to come soon. She had declined so quickly. Tim talked to her the next weekend on the phone and literally was the last person she audibly spoke to. She passed away a mere couple days later - June 2, 2009. She hung on. She hung on for the party. She hung on to speak to Tim on the phone. Heck, I even believe she hung on for a smaller purpose - to not pass away on Bryce's birthday (May 31), nor her sister's birthday the day after his - June 1.

I know I got awfully distracted in this blog with some significant life events that don't directly relate to Bryce and his development the past four years. But it is still a significant part of his four years of life. So much has changed. And he has changed soooo much! One of the most significant joyful changes has been adding Ethan to his life. Having a brother close in age has been absolutely wonderful for Bryce. He has taken on the older brother role very well. I'm thrilled to see him again as a big brother to Baby #3, due in only 1.5-2 months. He was about 21 months old when Ethan was born and so didn't really get a lot of what it was about. He's so excited about the new baby. It will seriously be pure joy to add another blessing to our household, and of course part of that, to see the amazing bond Bryce and the new baby will have.

I see so much change in Bryce. He's grown so much. He's very articulate. He has thrived in the preschool setting for two years now. He's turned from toddler to little boy-hood. He expresses himself extremely well for his age. He's really grown into an awesome, caring, loving little person who means the world to me. And so many who know and love him.

He is so full of joy and life. He has the most infectious laugh I've ever heard. I treasure the sweet sound of his adorable voice. He has such a passion for life and I know that will take him far. He never ceases to amaze us with his intelligence. One of the recent things he's done is rattle off all 10-12 train characters from a Chuggington book we have for the boys. He does not hesitate. How he can remember that many character names is beyond me. His memory is simply amazing. It is true privilege to witness his growth and to see what he already is and will become in this life. He is truly destined for good things.

I can't say it enough - Bryce has such an energy and zest for life, to always make the most of every moment. He has taught me so much more than I could ever learn at any school or on any job. Through the joyful times and the times of sorrow we have experienced in these short few years of his life, he has taught me how to make the most of the days we have. They are so fleeting, after all. He has taught me how to be a better mom - simply by his example. I wouldn't be who I am without him. The journey we have been on the past four years with him have been so amazing. I couldn't imagine life without this 4-year-old little boy.

Some Third Trimester Ramblings

Ok, so a small confession. This was just going to be my facebook status but it ended up too long so decided to post it as a blog instead. And ramble on a bit more, too :-)

I had class last night at IPFW. I don't know if it was this crazy weather or what, but the baby (ahem, MY baby) was extremely active. I find myself referring to him/her as "the" baby since we don't know the gender. I wondered earlier in pregnancy if I wouldn't feel as connected to "the" baby without knowing the gender. I wouldn't say it like that - it's just different. A completely different experience. Then again, this pregnancy has been a completely different experience from Day One!

Anyway, I digress.... I felt like MY baby was literally doing somersaults as I tried to focus in class. It's not necessarily painful but certainly a distraction. LOL. And definitely uncomfortable at times, depending on where he/she is kicking, punching, squirming. I couldn't believe how active he/she was. If "the" baby wasn't head down before last night, I'm going to guess that MY baby is now.

Sometimes I focus too much on my sleep deprivation that has been going on for months. But when I actually take the time to reflect and remember that there is this little life inside me wiggling around and trying to get comfy in tight quarters... I'm just in awe. Having a baby is truly a miracle, isn't it? And to know that God ordained Tim and I to be his/her parents.... I'm humbled by this blessing. Perhaps even more so as I get things ready for Bryce's 4th birthday this weekend. To get to experience a third child... sometimes I wonder why I/we get to be so lucky. We are incredibly blessed - two times over with the boys and soon enough a third time.

We have been really busy lately and we're finally getting to be in that home stretch. Probably a month or so ago we woulda had the nursery and LOTS of things ready by this time in Bryce and Ethan's pregnancy. What is it about the third time around? We still have a lot to do, and the preparation certainly is different this time without knowing OUR baby's gender. We need to paint the nursery - going to paint it brown like Bryce and Ethan's rooms. It will go with whatever nursery bedding ends up being in there. We also need to finalize name choices - again woulda been done long before now with the previous pregnancies. We have our girl name set. But need to figure out a boy name yet.

With this weekend being centered on Bryce's birthday and the next weekend is our Baby Moon getaway, just maybe by mid-June we'll start to get things more ready. Just maybe... :-) Then again, it is our third pregnancy.

School Days - and how it affects a mom

(Above picture was him running off to get in the van all excited about first day of preschool back in September.)

Bryce just completed his second year of preschool. Today was his last day in the 3-year class. And though I'm excited about what this summer, especially, will bring (Baby #3), I'm kinda mush inside. Is this normal?

I remember his first day last year - in the 2 class. I walked him in as I decided I would at the beginning of each year (preschool at least - hopefully I break this habit by high school when I'm no longer 'cool')... and when I walked out, I was overcome with emotion. I knew he'd love preschool and even in the 2 class he got so much more than I ever thought he would out of it. He learned what friendship means. He learned to pray to God and saw a glimpse that the world is bigger than him. He grew so much throughout the year.

As was the case this year, the year gets going and I lose that sentimental emotion about it. We're in the routine. I enjoy hearing about his morning each day when I pick him up and I enjoy the schedule (break) it provides me. Same thing happened this year. When I walked out that first day of this year, I was overcome with emotion again. This time for almost sadness. He looked kinda lost. What he knew of preschool was the previous year. And when he didn't see those familiar friends who were to be in a different class this year from him, he looked a little lost. Thankfully that quickly changed and he adapted, which I soon realized was a great thing for him to experience. So much with school is learning to adapt. Thinking back, I don't think I really knew who was in my grade til late elementary. I'm glad he got to experience this early on in his childhood. I think that adaptive skill was healthy for him to learn.

Then there's the last days.... reflecting back on how much he grew from the start of preschool til the last day... again, overcome with happy/sad/confusing mush. I felt that way last year at the end. And again today. Seeing how much more animated and comfortable the kids were today, especially as they joyfully sang some of their favorite songs. Then when his teacher, Miss Traci, said, "It's time to sing this song one last time," I couldn't hold back my teary-eyed mushy state any longer. The song is, "It is time to say good-bye to all my friends." At the close of each preschool day the kids happily sing this song together. Do they really know what that meant today? Once again, the class will not be the same next year. Today marked the end of another chapter in Bryce's early childhood. And I'm overcome with emotional mush inside.

I can only imagine how I will be the first and last days of preschool next year. The first day, I will have a 1.5-ish month old infant and will be dropping off both Bryce AND Ethan. TWO kids in preschool! Bryce will be going to four-day pre-k and Ethan will be in two days of the 2-year-old class. So if you see me on those first and last days next year and I'm looking like I'm about to lose it, don't mind me. I'm happily rejoicing and yet semi-sad mush on the inside realizing that my kids are growing up right before my eyes.

(Below picture is right before leaving home on the last day of preschool.)

Zoo Membership = Zoo Memories!

I have been on the fence for some time now on whether or not to renew our zoo membership for this summer. I've wondered if I'd feel up to going enough to make it worth it. I think today made up my mind and looking back at our zoo pictures from the past couple years. My body has been dealing with a lot lately and that unfortunately will probably continue. But these are the days! The days to make memories with the kids. I need a distraction. Let's face it. When you don't feel good day in and day out, the easy solution can be to hibernate. But I feel an element of responsibility to still try my best to give the kids an enjoyable summer, even if I don't feel like I'm enjoying the summer. Sure, once our little bambino is here, the zoo outings my decrease. But after looking at these pictures, I wonder how I coulda considered not going to the zoo throughout the summer. What fun memories!! Here are a few of my faves from the past couple years....