Life Changing Four Years

4 years later......

Four years ago, life changed FOREVER! Tim left work at Cummins (in Columbus, IN) with co-workers teasing him and wishing us luck that night. Afterall it was a full moon night. Actually, to be technical, it was a Blue Moon, where there were two full moons in the same month. This only occurs about once every 1.5 years or so. Thus, why it's called a Blue Moon. Tim shrugged off the teasing. We were 38 weeks along with our first son and had always heard first babies a lot of times go longer - closer to the due date, if not beyond. We had some things packed up for the hospital but seriously did not consider the birth to be that near yet.

We watched TV until too late that evening. Unusual for us. And after midnight, I was still trying to get comfortable. I shifted weight - felt something minor. Shifted again. HUGE gush. Yeah, my water broke. No disputing it. I won't go into all the labor details, but it took quite some time. My water broke but my body was obviously not ready for labor on its own. Bryce Douglas Louvar was born 19 hours later - at 7:12 pm.

Boy oh boy, I did not know how much life would change and has changed since then. There have been sooooo many joys and blessings. And some serious heartache, too. In some ways, the memories of him being a baby seem so near. And other times like it's been much longer than four years ago. I can remember trying really hard to make nursing work. I've inherited a low supply and so figuring that out the first time around and learning how much to supplement and when took us quite a long time. Once we figured out that balance, things got a little easier. Until then, it was a blur of exhaustion. Bryce didn't sleep well until we figured that out.

I can remember how Bryce would smile and babble so much. He was very talkative as a baby. Yeah, that hasn't changed one bit! Looking back I'm absolutely astonished how clearly he could say his name at such a young age. I kid you not - he started walking and saying his name around the same time - Mother's Day weekend 2008. A couple weeks shy of turning 1! I don't think I realized at the time just how amazing it was that he could articulate so clearly saying his name like that.

Ok... need to back up in time now. Our hearts soon longed to be near family again so Tim had a few job interviews Labor Day weekend 2007. Bryce was only a few months old at the time. He was offered and soon accepted a job at his current place of employment, Parker, as an engineer there. He was to start Oct. 1. That turned life upside down for a few weeks as we prepared to say good-bye to what had been our home, Columbus, IN, since even before we exchanged vows. We were married there. We developed a non-blood family there. We have visited a few times since moving to Fort Wayne 3.5 years ago. Columbus will always hold a dear place in our hearts. Our pastor there visited us in the hospital when Bryce was born, prayed that he would come to know Christ at an early age and also dedicated him a week or so before we made the big move.

The timeline is awfully sketchy for me as we tried to get settled into the big city life and make new friends with an infant. We rented a house first since the time to move was so brief. We didn't want to rush buying obviously, but also didn't want to move into an apartment. So we found a nice three-bedroom house to rent while we settled into our new town.

Soon after our move here, my dear Grandpa was injured at work. It really messed up his knee and he had months of therapy. He was almost ready for a procedure to be done on his knee when it was determined that he needed a pacemaker put in before he could be cleared for the surgery. The morning (late Jan. 2008) he was to have the pacemaker put in he was getting around at home and he collapsed, never to wake up. We were devestated by the news. I still miss him so much, but I'm thankful for many things. He got to see all his grandkids get married - my youngest cousin on this side of the family got married that Labor Day weekend we were visiting family and Tim interviewed for jobs. He also lived to see us move closer to familiy - something I knew he knew we really desired. As much as he enjoyed visiting us in Columbus (and before that, Terre Haute where Tim and I went to college), I think it must have brought him great joy and peace to see that our prayers of being closer to family had come to fruition. I only wish we coulda had longer with him, obviously, while being closer. So much of those fleeting months we were here were spent getting settled in here and then him attending therapy and experiencing limitations due to the injury.

The beginning of 2008 was rather rough, as I've already explained. And it sadly continued. About a month exactly after my grandfather's death, Tim's mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Feb. 28 to be exact - Tim's birthday. She had been experiencing pain and had to go to the hospital and underwent surgery to remove a cyst (or cysts) on her ovaries. She had a complete hysterectomy and they believed they got it all. They recommended chemotherapy more as a precauation. She had this for months and experienced the many ailments that go along with that. We were all hopeful, though, of course. My memory on the timeline is a little fuzzy, but she finished treatment and requested a follow-up to check her levels - to make sure the cancer hadn't returned. The doctor didn't even think that was necessary but of course she insisted. It had come back. Inside her liver. She resumed chemotherapy treatment, this time at the Cancer Treatment Center of America, just north of Chicago.

Bryce brought her much joy and we believe really helped her through her illness and treatments. It's amazing the hope a child can provide. The moments he, and eventually, Ethan had with her are truly pricless memories. And of course if you know me, captured a lot in pictures. She was in declining health and we learned she had mere months to live around Mother's Day 2009. It breaks my heart to say this, but the last goal in her life was to attend a combined party for our boys who meant the world to her. It was to celebrate Bryce's 2nd birthday and a welcome party for Ethan to meet more family in Iowa. We made the most of those precious hours at that party. I can remember someone saying it while there - how it was a celebration of life. Even though the party wasn't directed at Cindy, it was a chance for everyone to see her again, knowing what was unfortunately to come soon. She had declined so quickly. Tim talked to her the next weekend on the phone and literally was the last person she audibly spoke to. She passed away a mere couple days later - June 2, 2009. She hung on. She hung on for the party. She hung on to speak to Tim on the phone. Heck, I even believe she hung on for a smaller purpose - to not pass away on Bryce's birthday (May 31), nor her sister's birthday the day after his - June 1.

I know I got awfully distracted in this blog with some significant life events that don't directly relate to Bryce and his development the past four years. But it is still a significant part of his four years of life. So much has changed. And he has changed soooo much! One of the most significant joyful changes has been adding Ethan to his life. Having a brother close in age has been absolutely wonderful for Bryce. He has taken on the older brother role very well. I'm thrilled to see him again as a big brother to Baby #3, due in only 1.5-2 months. He was about 21 months old when Ethan was born and so didn't really get a lot of what it was about. He's so excited about the new baby. It will seriously be pure joy to add another blessing to our household, and of course part of that, to see the amazing bond Bryce and the new baby will have.

I see so much change in Bryce. He's grown so much. He's very articulate. He has thrived in the preschool setting for two years now. He's turned from toddler to little boy-hood. He expresses himself extremely well for his age. He's really grown into an awesome, caring, loving little person who means the world to me. And so many who know and love him.

He is so full of joy and life. He has the most infectious laugh I've ever heard. I treasure the sweet sound of his adorable voice. He has such a passion for life and I know that will take him far. He never ceases to amaze us with his intelligence. One of the recent things he's done is rattle off all 10-12 train characters from a Chuggington book we have for the boys. He does not hesitate. How he can remember that many character names is beyond me. His memory is simply amazing. It is true privilege to witness his growth and to see what he already is and will become in this life. He is truly destined for good things.

I can't say it enough - Bryce has such an energy and zest for life, to always make the most of every moment. He has taught me so much more than I could ever learn at any school or on any job. Through the joyful times and the times of sorrow we have experienced in these short few years of his life, he has taught me how to make the most of the days we have. They are so fleeting, after all. He has taught me how to be a better mom - simply by his example. I wouldn't be who I am without him. The journey we have been on the past four years with him have been so amazing. I couldn't imagine life without this 4-year-old little boy.

Some Third Trimester Ramblings

Ok, so a small confession. This was just going to be my facebook status but it ended up too long so decided to post it as a blog instead. And ramble on a bit more, too :-)

I had class last night at IPFW. I don't know if it was this crazy weather or what, but the baby (ahem, MY baby) was extremely active. I find myself referring to him/her as "the" baby since we don't know the gender. I wondered earlier in pregnancy if I wouldn't feel as connected to "the" baby without knowing the gender. I wouldn't say it like that - it's just different. A completely different experience. Then again, this pregnancy has been a completely different experience from Day One!

Anyway, I digress.... I felt like MY baby was literally doing somersaults as I tried to focus in class. It's not necessarily painful but certainly a distraction. LOL. And definitely uncomfortable at times, depending on where he/she is kicking, punching, squirming. I couldn't believe how active he/she was. If "the" baby wasn't head down before last night, I'm going to guess that MY baby is now.

Sometimes I focus too much on my sleep deprivation that has been going on for months. But when I actually take the time to reflect and remember that there is this little life inside me wiggling around and trying to get comfy in tight quarters... I'm just in awe. Having a baby is truly a miracle, isn't it? And to know that God ordained Tim and I to be his/her parents.... I'm humbled by this blessing. Perhaps even more so as I get things ready for Bryce's 4th birthday this weekend. To get to experience a third child... sometimes I wonder why I/we get to be so lucky. We are incredibly blessed - two times over with the boys and soon enough a third time.

We have been really busy lately and we're finally getting to be in that home stretch. Probably a month or so ago we woulda had the nursery and LOTS of things ready by this time in Bryce and Ethan's pregnancy. What is it about the third time around? We still have a lot to do, and the preparation certainly is different this time without knowing OUR baby's gender. We need to paint the nursery - going to paint it brown like Bryce and Ethan's rooms. It will go with whatever nursery bedding ends up being in there. We also need to finalize name choices - again woulda been done long before now with the previous pregnancies. We have our girl name set. But need to figure out a boy name yet.

With this weekend being centered on Bryce's birthday and the next weekend is our Baby Moon getaway, just maybe by mid-June we'll start to get things more ready. Just maybe... :-) Then again, it is our third pregnancy.

School Days - and how it affects a mom

(Above picture was him running off to get in the van all excited about first day of preschool back in September.)

Bryce just completed his second year of preschool. Today was his last day in the 3-year class. And though I'm excited about what this summer, especially, will bring (Baby #3), I'm kinda mush inside. Is this normal?

I remember his first day last year - in the 2 class. I walked him in as I decided I would at the beginning of each year (preschool at least - hopefully I break this habit by high school when I'm no longer 'cool')... and when I walked out, I was overcome with emotion. I knew he'd love preschool and even in the 2 class he got so much more than I ever thought he would out of it. He learned what friendship means. He learned to pray to God and saw a glimpse that the world is bigger than him. He grew so much throughout the year.

As was the case this year, the year gets going and I lose that sentimental emotion about it. We're in the routine. I enjoy hearing about his morning each day when I pick him up and I enjoy the schedule (break) it provides me. Same thing happened this year. When I walked out that first day of this year, I was overcome with emotion again. This time for almost sadness. He looked kinda lost. What he knew of preschool was the previous year. And when he didn't see those familiar friends who were to be in a different class this year from him, he looked a little lost. Thankfully that quickly changed and he adapted, which I soon realized was a great thing for him to experience. So much with school is learning to adapt. Thinking back, I don't think I really knew who was in my grade til late elementary. I'm glad he got to experience this early on in his childhood. I think that adaptive skill was healthy for him to learn.

Then there's the last days.... reflecting back on how much he grew from the start of preschool til the last day... again, overcome with happy/sad/confusing mush. I felt that way last year at the end. And again today. Seeing how much more animated and comfortable the kids were today, especially as they joyfully sang some of their favorite songs. Then when his teacher, Miss Traci, said, "It's time to sing this song one last time," I couldn't hold back my teary-eyed mushy state any longer. The song is, "It is time to say good-bye to all my friends." At the close of each preschool day the kids happily sing this song together. Do they really know what that meant today? Once again, the class will not be the same next year. Today marked the end of another chapter in Bryce's early childhood. And I'm overcome with emotional mush inside.

I can only imagine how I will be the first and last days of preschool next year. The first day, I will have a 1.5-ish month old infant and will be dropping off both Bryce AND Ethan. TWO kids in preschool! Bryce will be going to four-day pre-k and Ethan will be in two days of the 2-year-old class. So if you see me on those first and last days next year and I'm looking like I'm about to lose it, don't mind me. I'm happily rejoicing and yet semi-sad mush on the inside realizing that my kids are growing up right before my eyes.

(Below picture is right before leaving home on the last day of preschool.)

Zoo Membership = Zoo Memories!

I have been on the fence for some time now on whether or not to renew our zoo membership for this summer. I've wondered if I'd feel up to going enough to make it worth it. I think today made up my mind and looking back at our zoo pictures from the past couple years. My body has been dealing with a lot lately and that unfortunately will probably continue. But these are the days! The days to make memories with the kids. I need a distraction. Let's face it. When you don't feel good day in and day out, the easy solution can be to hibernate. But I feel an element of responsibility to still try my best to give the kids an enjoyable summer, even if I don't feel like I'm enjoying the summer. Sure, once our little bambino is here, the zoo outings my decrease. But after looking at these pictures, I wonder how I coulda considered not going to the zoo throughout the summer. What fun memories!! Here are a few of my faves from the past couple years....

New Bedding Poll - just for fun

This is probably a "hope-for" for now, but eventually we want to re-do our bedding decor. We've had the same comforter since getting married and it hasn't held up or cleaned up the greatest. So eventually, we plan to do the same brown carpet in our bedroom, probably the same brown paint and a new bedding set. We love the bedroom furniture collection we have - it's the same furniture Raymond and Deborah have on Everybody Loves Raymond. :-) We did NOT know that when we bought the set. We learned that from the movers from the furniture store we got it almost 7 years ago.

Anyway, thought I'd conduct a fun little poll. I don't want you to be swayed by brand/price, so going to leave that info out. Just going to include pictures below. Please vote for your favorite. :-) We'll end up picking the one we like best of course, but just thought it'd be fun to see what is most popular among my friends. (PS - we would NOT be getting the peace sign pillow in the last. Just not our style.)

Healthy Baby!!

On the way to my ultrasound I was still a tad nervous. I've felt pretty confident that we would have a healthy baby but that doubt the past 6 weeks has certainly been unsettling. To say the least. Reading sad stories about babies with certain defects either not surviving pregnancy or past a few days in this world has been heart-breaking. We knew full well we were not in the clear yet. Dr. Wheeler, the perinatologist (high risk OB dr), gave us maybe a 2% risk of having a baby with a defect when we were in his office six weeks ago. We were mostly at peace because the odds were so strong for us and that everything else about the baby at the previous ultrasounds looked fine. But still... 2% is still 2%. Scared us. Humbled us. We prayed so many times in the six weeks. This experience has certainly brought us closer to our Creator.

During the ultrasound the room was eerily quiet at first. The ultrasound tech took various measurements. Some probably normal - hard to remember from a couple years ago. But several also of the head/neck. Baby's ticker was beating away at a healthy 152 bpm. Dr. Wheeler came in and they both said things looked fine. He said, "I don't see anything wrong." He affirmed that 2% is hard to be objective about when it's your own baby. Gave me a happy pat on the ankle and walked out. I looked at my dear, sweet husband and realized this is what true relief feels like. This is pure joy!

The ultrasound tech continued to look over our healthy little one. Got to the tummy/legs area and I finally said something - something to the affect of, "We aren't sure we want to know the gender." She just kinda laughed and said, "I can't see anything." The baby was breeched position and sitting cross-legged on his/her feet. Then Dr. Wheeler walked back in. So I then explained that we just said we weren't sure we wanted to know, so not to blurt anything out if they see anything. He said, "All I see between the legs is a foot." Oh, I got such a laugh at all this turn of events.

A month ago I could NOT wait til Feb. 21. Just had to know what we're having. Our hearts changed since then and we debated whether or not we would even find out the gender. We concluded we would take a compromised approach - have the gender disclosed in an envelope to decide if/when later to open it. I had planned on laying this envelope in the baby's crib. I distinctly remember chatting with a good friend a week or so ago, saying, "Wouldn't that just be God's humor shining through if the baby wouldn't cooperate?!" I almost hoped it would happen this way, but had my doubts. Sure enough, it did. And I couldn't be more thrilled. When my heart changed on this, I didn't want to be in the position of making a decision.

It's so intriguing to me that had we not had a two-week window of question, this would have been our first ultrasound and we would have never even known different!! Also, had that been the case, we probably would have wanted to find out the gender and would have been disappointed to not find out. Instead, I was finding myself telling the tech - it's ok. Decision made for us. Really I was kind-of encouraging her to stop trying to get a look. It's such strong conviction to me that God is ALWAYS in control of every single detail of life and His ways are so much better than we could ever imagine. I would never wish this scare on anyone, but it has brought us closer to Him, taught us to trust Him more, reprioritize what really matters in life... it's impacted us and so in that way, it has been worth the questionable few months we have with this pregnancy.

Dr. Wheeler said if we really wanted to know what we're having we could come back to his office for an ultrasound later to find out. But no. This was a pretty obvious sign from God that we are supposed to wait this pregnancy. And we are 100% at peace with that. My only curiosity is those of you who have waited til birth to find out.... how did you prepare? Just curious to hear stories about what it's like to wait since this is completely new, unfamiliar territory for us.

Hard to really describe what this kind of joy and relief really feels like. It's amazing! It's humbling! Such a blessing! All I can think now is, "Dr. Wheeler, no offense, but I'm thrilled I won't be seeing you again or coming to your office again this pregnancy." I'm sure he doesn't mind one bit. :- )

Gender Anticipation

I can't deny it. I won't deny it. I want this pregnancy to result in a HEALTHY baby GIRL more than anything! The wait til my ultrasound is driving me a little crazy. We still have a 98% chance of a healthy baby. Good odds. I'm really at peace with those odds. The peace of mind will be good, though, obviously. This issue is #1 most important but since the odds are so greatly in our favor, finding out the gender is still getting a lot of attention in this house. Some would debate the calculated chance we have of having another boy, compared to a girl. I have read up on this and there seems to be much debate on this topic. Some would say that EVERY pregnancy is close to 50/50. And that having two of the same gender only SLIGHTLY (we're talking 1-3%) raises your chance of #3 being the same. Others would argue that it's more like a 75-25 split. I don't know who is right. I don't really care. From the get go, we knew having another baby would possibly result in a third son. We knew the desire to try for #3 being a girl would be there. We even considered a book and such (taboo) suggestions of how to conceive the gender you want. I went off birth control and we started investigating such means. We were going to pursue at least some of them. (I'll spare details.) We figured we had plenty of time. It had taken over a year to conceive Bryce (and on clomid, I will add) and 4-5 months (sans clomid) to get pregnant with Ethan. We had a small window (3-4ish months) to get pregnant this time as we didn't want to be due around my brother-in-law's wedding in September/October this year so I could still safely travel to it. So figured we'd just go for it and if it didn't happen in that window we would try again 5-6 months later. Without getting to pursue our methods, we soon found out we got pregnant right away. Yes, we know what causes that. ha ha ha. funny. Sorry for sarcasm. My point in explaining all this is God is bigger! He is bigger than statistics. Bigger than genetics. If He wants us to have a girl, He can make it happen. But He is also bigger than our plans and visions, too. His way is best. We know that. We trust that.

All that said, I have dreamed since a little girl of having both a boy and girl. One of each. It's what I had growing up. It's what I saw for my future family. And after two boys, I long to have a daughter to do girl things with. Tim and his brother had a wonderful upbringing. Scouts. Sports. Boy stuff. Etc. I would love to have a daughter to do girl things with. I think the different dynamics (father/daugther, father/son, mother/son, mother/daughter) are all extremely special and unique. When Ethan's pregnancy was as rough as it was, I was convinced I was done having kids. Until we learned he was a boy. After his ultrasound, I cried. I wanted a girl so bad, but almost as badly, I never wanted to be pregnant again. Time heals. The second he was born, I was in love. I did overcome my disappointment - my vision for life was different than the outcome. Obviously a childhood dream and adult reality probably seldom go together. The intense desire to still experience what it's like to have both re-entered the scene. Our family just did not feel complete. Whether #3 is a boy or a girl, I think Ethan was a boy for a pretty obvious reason. God did not want us to stop at two kids. He had more in store for us. I would have been ready to tie things up (or snip) if Ethan had been a girl.

Fast forward to present day. We have a little over a week until our ultrasound. We have debated whether to find out the gender. And I still wonder. At least in that office. (Might have the big news concealed in an envelope or something and to learn the gender in the privacy of our own home.) I won't deny it. I think I will be in tears regardless of what we find out. Either overwhelming, intense joy, or disappointment. I don't want to open this up to psycho-analysis of me. Unless you have experienced the intense desire to have one or the other and the desire is unfulfilled (or I definitely know - any kids at all - which I know is WAY different than this), I don't think you truly know what this feels like. That part is slightly frustrating to me - how few people I have who can truly relate. Even if we go back to our grandmas. All our grandmas experienced both. My mom had one of each (obviously). My aunts have all had both. On Tim's side, his mom had two sons (yet two miscarriages. We have never heard if the genders of the two miscarriages were ever known). His aunts all had both, except one (who had two boys). On the cousin/sibling level (this generation), my brother and sister-in-law have two of each. On my mom's side, one of my cousins has a girl and two boys. Another cousin has two boys and they are thrilled. They only wanted boys. On my dad's side, there's a lot of experiences of both. (There is also some infertility which makes me feel bad for writing this.) On Tim's dad's side - they have had both. On his mom's side - all girl children. One is an only child right now. The other are two sisters. All this to say, family probably has a hard time understanding where we're coming from - for the most part.

I would not trade Ethan or Bryce for the world. I LOVE THEM TO PIECES!!! Three kids feels like a good fit for our family. So there's a finality to this. Tim and I BOTH hope and dream of having a little girl. And if it's not to be, we will deal with that. We will love this child NO MATTER WHAT. That goes without saying. We know we are beyond blessed regardless. Having Bryce and Ethan, along with getting married, have been the absolute best things that have happened to us. This baby will certainly add to that regardless. To be completely honest, I often feel undeserved of such blessings. God's grace can be difficult to understand and accept sometimes. Like I said, I hear of infertility and losses during/after pregnancy and absolutely cannot fathom that. So it's hard to feel like we're fortunate enough to be sheltered from the bad stuff. And I know I should be grateful simply to have a healthy baby. To have had three of them. There's just an unexplainable void for a little girl. And if the void is not filled by a daughter, we know God will fill it. He WILL meet our needs/desires, one way or another.

I do feel like all signs point to having a girl (and there have been signs but I won't share those now). However, since I was soooo much more sick during Ethan's pregnancy, I thought he was going to be a girl. So I don't want to set myself up to expect a girl and be disappointed. So every day now I am trying to prepare myself to find out we are having boy #3. In doing so, I am going to make a list of pros/advantages to having a little boy. I don't want to be disappointed to hear we are having a third son. Obviously it wouldn't be his fault. So I am trying to emotionally and mentally prepare myself for that outcome so I can still be the best mom possible to him. And if we hear it's a girl instead, well.... yay!

BOY PROS

1. SONS ARE PRECIOUS! Nothing quite like them! Seriously. These boys melt this Mommy's heart daily.
2. Son #3 could possibly relate better and play better with Bryce and Ethan. Not that a daughter wouldn't, but get what I mean? And likewise, maybe the boys would relate better/enjoy more a brother as compared to a sister. Obviously, they (and we) will love child #3 regardless. That goes without saying.
3. We have boy clothing out our ears here. (Bryce and Ethan's sizes/seasons didn't match up for the first year!) Though I would want this baby to have some of his own special clothes/toys/etc., we are physically prepared for boys in this house.
4. Speaking of toys - no need to "make room" for a whole different kind of toys.
5. Would save $$$$. We would use the same crib bedding/decor as we used for both Bryce and Ethan. We wouldn't need the new bedroom stuff, new/different baby blankets, bibs, sleepers, CLOTHES, etc. It truly would save a good amount of money.
6. Having another boy would possibly affect Ethan less. If we have a little princess instead, we would love all our children to the moon and back of course. But I could see the middle child issue being more obvious for Ethan if we get the daughter we dream of. Being conscious of that, if we do have a girl, we will make extra effort to make sure he doesn't feel middle child syndrome issues.
7. We would get to contemplate boy names. We are 100% set on a girl name (have been since Ethan's pregnancy). So getting to discuss names again would be fun.
8. So many say/think that Bryce looks like Tim and Ethan looks like me. Who would son #3 look like?
9. Raising boys to be responsible, thoughtful, strong, loving, Christian men is true privilege. Hopefully we will mold them to be wonderful, loving, Christ-centered husbands someday to someone else's present-day little princess. That's a priceless gift in itself. And to be wonderful daddies someday, too - like their incredible daddy.

Who am I kidding? I still want a girl. But I want my attitude about having son #3 to be as prepared and positive come Feb. 21 as possible. So I will continue to think positive thoughts and pray about this big day.