I am starting this blog post today, not sure what direction it will take, or if I will have the guts to post it. To be this open and honest....
Today has been one of those days.... very full. Too much on the to-do list. Can you say stress? I was crossing things off the checklist, however, and the day was going fine. Until.... preschool pick-up line. Bryce and his friend, Lizzie got in the van and I immediately knew what happened. Bryce pooped in his underwear at preschool. He hasn't gone for several days and I worked with him a lot yesterday, trying to get him to go. Again this morning before preschool. We ran out of time and headed out the door a tad late, as usual. I told Bryce if he has to go, he has to tell his teachers and go at preschool. He knew full well what was expected of him. This has been an issue - he won't go at preschool. He won't ask others for help. He barely poops here at home. This has been a source of frustration for some time now. We need to keep working with him so he is self-sufficient. He currently is not. I'll leave it at that.
This turned the day into chaos. It was at least manageable up to this point. But we were expecting a neighbor-friend over after lunch and my plate now became overflowing with too much to do in too little time. A very frustrated Mom (I said the potty issue has been a battle, keep this in mind) cleaned up a huge mess and had Bryce climb in the bath tub. No toys. Water running with him standing. He hated it. I had more cleaning up to do, and laundry. Threw the huge mess of underwear in the trash. Not worth cleaning up. Had to clean out his jeans. It was seriously everywhere. All down his legs. Gross.
After his bath, while I was in the midst of cleaning up and trying to get lunch around, I made Bryce stand with his nose touching the wall. Which he hated. He did this until I had MY lunch in the microwave warming up. His was already ready, I just wanted to make a point to him. I felt like saying his friend will not be coming over, but I did not want to punish his friend for his mistakes. He ate lunch in silence. After cleaning him up, he went back to the wall with his nose against it. I finished cleaning up. And got in touch with my neighbor-friend. She said another day would suit them better. At this point I released Bryce from his nose-against-the-wall timeout and said he could go play.
But this wasn't without words and thoughts that are harsh that is why I'm hesitant to post this.... I thought about making him skip lunch, or severely limiting it. I gave Ethan a little chocolate Santa and him none, and I ate a piece in front of him, too. It gets worse... I told him if he can't learn to go to potty at preschool I would skip registering him tomorrow and he just wouldn't go. What Mom says that? I also thought to myself that there's less than an hour til naptime. If either child, but particularly Bryce, does one more thing, it will just push me over the edge. Through putting up with him....
Now comes the perspective... What if God would say that to me? If that Abbie screws up one more time.... If Abbie doesn't learn this lesson that I've been trying to teach her for probably years.... then what? God doesn't do that. He doesn't say that or feel that. So now I'm seeing where I fall short. And I'm in tears as I type this. Motherhood can be such pure joy... a glimpse of Heaven. Seriously! Such a wonderful blessing that is impossible to imagine life otherwise. And then other times... it can be more frustration than ya ever thought possible. At those low of low moments, sometimes it feels impossible to extend the grace and loving attitude towards our kids that God unfailingly extends to us - his kids. We are called to love one another as God loves us. Unfailingly. No matter what. I will try to remember this the next time Bryce, or Ethan, or Baby #3, pushes me over the edge of calmness and into chaos. There no doubt will be a next time. And I no doubt will have a next time with God.
So, thank you Jesus, for your unfailing love and example. Guide me... help me to walk in your ways in this journey. And I pray that my kids can see you in me and through the grace and patience I will try harder to have.